I have always been someone who imagined the worse case scenario. Maybe I can chalk it up to OCD, maybe I have an overactive imagination, or maybe I’m just a worrier who wants to protect myself.
Whatever it is, I could have never prepared myself for this. I imagined a lot of dark paths, but this one is grey and endless. It isn’t enough for me to stop and rest and I don’t have the option to quit. When it feels like torture to exist physically and mentally, I wish for death. Then my instincts kick in and I go back to fearing it. It’s a strange and haunting dance and I don’t want death to be my dance partner anymore.
For the optimists out there, I’m still with you. I do believe it’s always better to look on the bright side. There is no reason to give up. It serves no purpose to throw our hands up at life saying, “we will die anyway” because, well for that exact reason. We will die anyway, so what’s the point in giving up?
But for anyone who has been pummeled over and over with anything in life, it isn’t mind over matter. It isn’t about being strong enough to deal with it or about pushing through. Sometimes, grief, trauma, physical, mental, or emotional pain are too much to handle and a simple defense mechanism against the ongoing pain is to get depressed and to feel numb.
One in three people in the world is living with multiple chronic illnesses today, so I know there are people out there who understand this battle just to exist. When all the simple, mindless tasks become complicated and painful, life becomes more complicated and painful. For those with more intense physical disabilities this becomes even more true.
It is very hard to find the sun in this endless night. I know it’s still there, but I can’t see it. I can’t feel its warmth and I am losing faith that it will swing back around to greet me.